Fitter, Happier, More Productive by Radiohead

Please don’t kill my babies,
Death in a mixing machine of glass and cement.
I will feed them stewed apples and braised beef
From a can, in secured highchairs.
Won’t wake every night thinking of little bodies
Floating face down in a heated pool.
On the way to wholesome family activities,
In luxury German cars, I will strap them into
Ergonomic seats, and stick to the speed limit,
Taking every turn with the upmost care.
Won’t have them crying while they watch their
Father bash another driver’s head into a fire hydrant.

Please don’t take away my livelihood,
Poor homeless alcoholic in piss stained pants.
I filled out the self-evaluation and wrote that
I am...a hard worker, who will...try harder next quarter.
My goal is...to create a better working environment.
If I don’t succeed I will...review my five point plan.
Did not feel the need to mention that I sit at my desk
All day staring at my secretary and dreaming about her cunt.
My stapler, like a pair of metal fangs, sinking into her soft, white thighs.
On my scheduled coffee and meal breaks I masturbate in a toilet stall over her.
Ten minutes. Half an hour. Straighten tie. Back to my desk.
My desperate orgasms do not cost the company money.

Please don’t destroy everything I worked for,
Pathetic single man eating day old Indian food in his bathrobe.
I smiled as we placed the crayfish into the pot and boiled them alive,
Then helped little Evelyn break open the shell and get to the white meat inside.
Was not myself when I followed my secretary home, went through her garbage,
And masturbated with her used pantyhose over my head.
We’ll talk about our relationship in an air-conditioned office,
With a non-judgemental third party who did her dissertation at Oxford.
She can tell me that I’m craving a mother figure and I will agree with her
If we can go back to having lights out, missionary position sex once a week.
I have to masturbate to get through the day, but my secretary will be transferred
To someone who respects her privacy and I’ll stop punching myself in the balls to heighten my orgasms, it’s making me ejaculate blood anyway...

I am...a dedicated husband and father (taking the children to soccer practise, cheering them on, not hurting the other parents, smiling watching the crayfish boil).

Who will...strive to secure my family’s happiness (leaving little notes in her Louis Vitton to let her know I care, striking the children only on the buttocks and never in the stomach or across the head, wiping my semen off the bathroom mirror).

My goal is...to be as fit and happy and productive as I can possibly be (exercising daily with cherished family pet, relegating fast food intake to after soccer on Saturdays, fulfilling all monthly quotas, regularly checking testicles for abnormal lumps or swellings).

If I don’t succeed I will... (no, do not hurt the other parents, do not threaten co-workers, do not take it out on cherished family pet)... Review five point plan and re-evaluate... (leave gun in drawer in case of prowler)...

When in a state of weakness
I remind myself
That there is another place.
Past my gold watch for twenty years service,
Past kid’s college graduation,
Past peaceful twilight retirement village,
A place where I can do what I want
And be with who I want to be with all the time.
There is a place
Other than this.
Isn’t there?